Forks Fiends
by twilightnite
Summary: Because every book has characters people don't like too much. So what do we do? Why, we poke fun at them. We strip them of their dignity and just plain make fun of them. So 'Forks Fiends' everyone! Having fun at the expense of the characters no one likes!
1. Newton Nuisance

**Ah, the ever so lovely why-the-bloody-CHICKEN-are-you-writing-another-story-when-you-have-atleast-20-other-UNFINISHED-ones.**

_**The joy.**_

**Taking a quick break from my many other stories (which I really should be working on…) I've come up with this. Hopefully you have as much fun reading it as I had writing it. Oh, and before I forget, say hello to my beta(s) everyone!**

**Alice: Hi!**

**Edward: Hello.**

**Yeah, the Cullens right? Cool isn't it? Jasper's working on writing his chapter for Crazy Cullen Chronicles –"A Thrilling Night"- which he wants me to proofread, so he's not sitting here with me right now.**

**Moving on.**

**In this story, we're making fun of all the characters you don't like. For more info, read the Author's Note at the end.**

**Disclaimer: In Profile.**

_**This was written by Kate, and her cousins Chels and Drew. :D**_

**Newton Nuisance**

(Mike's PoV)

Today was just like any other day. My pop-tart fell into that small space in the toaster -resulting in a burn-, dad put metal in the microwave, mom's pie/cake thing blew up in the oven, and my car broke down, making me walk to school. Oh, and then it started to pour.

Yup, just like any normal day.

It took longer than I expected to get to Forks High School, and by the time I had just gotten to the parking lot, the bell signaling the start of class rang.

_Oh great._

My mood darkened as I walked grumbling through the mud to Government.

The teacher looked none to thrilled to see me walking into class a few minutes late.

"- and class, it would be such a wondrous event if we also decided to _show up on time_." I couldn't help but glare at her as I turned to find an open seat.

Lo and behold, I found one.

_Right next to Jessica._

Groaning inwardly I sat down, dropped my bag with a _squish_, and listened to Jessica's immediately babbling. I folded my arms in defeat, trying to wring rainwater out of my sleeve. Ms. Harrison stopped speaking for a moment, and turned her attention to Jessica as I sank lower in my chair.

"Ahem."

"-And then, we were all like, 'Oh-my-god!' and, and, in the midst of all this happening, a bird, like, flew into the windshield! I was all, like, 'Oh-my-god, what bird flies into a windshield!'"

"Obviously it was blind sited by her ugliness." Some kid snickered to his friend, earning himself a warning look from the teacher.

"That said, keep talking, and you get a detention, the both of you. Ms. Stanley and Mr. Newton."

"But I didn't-"

"Are you contradicting me Mr. Newton?"

"But, but, but but but! I didn't do nutin'!"

"Proper English please Mr. Newton. Something you should have learned in _first grade_." My mouth gaping like a fish on land, the rest of the class chuckling quietly.

"But I. DIDN'T. DO. NUTIN'!"

"MR. NEWTON!"

"Yeah, his ma and pa don't want him goin' ta school no mo'." This was said by that creepy country boy that keeps talking about his 'Mama said life's like a box of choco-late, you neva' kno' what cha gonna git.' His friend next to him nodded in sympathy.

"Nuff said boy, nuff said."

"Mr. Hickory and Mr. Woodstock! Please keep your indecent comments about nothing in particular to _yourselves_."

"But my Mama always said-"

"'Life's like a box of choco-late, you neva' kno' what cha gonna git.'" The whole class mumbled, rolling their eyes as he nodded.

"Uh-huh!"

"And what's your name?"

"Gump. Forest Gump." He smiled smugly as Ms. Harrison's face grew redder.

"Well then, Mr. Hickory Gump Forest Gump, would you kindly escort yourself to the office at once!"

"But my Mama-"

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR MOTHER SAID! SHE OBVIOUSLY DROPPED YOU ON YOUR HEAD A FEW TO MANY TIMES! GET OUT OF MY CLASS!" Jessica shrieked, scared the crap out of me, which caused me to fall to the floor. I ended up in a puddle created by my soaking clothes, and grumbled as I got back into my chair, my butt now soaked.

As Hickory Gump Forest something rather made his way out of the room, Ms. Harrison turned back to face Jessica and I, still red in the face.

"Now Ms. Stanley, is there something you wanted the class to know about?" Jessica's eyes widened and she sat there speechless. Ms. Harrison started to tap her foot, but when she realized Jessica wouldn't say anything, she turned to me.

"Mr. Newton? I'm waiting."

"W-Waiting? F-for what? I didn't say anything! It was all her!" I pointed to Jessica, shaking slightly. Jessica shot me a death glare and Ms. Harrison rolled her eyes.

"I don't have time for this. Please see me after school today Mr. Newton."

"But-!"

"And no buts." I moaned, sinking into my chair as the teacher spun around to face the board, just in time for the bell to ring.

I darted out of the room, dreading the rest of the day. My spirits rose when I saw Bella, I waved weakly, only for my self-esteem to sink when I saw Cullen walk up to her.

_Cullen._

I growled in my mind, imagining how much fun it would be to smack that smile off his sorry face.

I let out a deep breath of fury when he looked over at me and smiled as Bella stood there puzzled.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

My lunch tray clattered against the cheap, fake wood plastic table. Dis-hearted, I sat down. The talking around me immediately ceased. Confused, I looked up to see what was wrong with my table mates. Where Tyler should have been was…..A CHEERLEADER?!

Holding in a startled scream, I did a double take, and found myself sitting at the 'preppy table'. Cheerleader here, cheerleader there. Cheerleaders, cheerleaders, CHEERLEADERS!

_Jackpot. Maybe I can hit on one. _

I smiled at one and was about to say 'How you doin'?' when a shadow was cast over me. The girl across from me started giggling as I slowly turned around to see her quarterback boyfriend standing there behind me. At this point, the whole cafeteria was silent and looking at me. My face flushed and the quarterback glared down at me.

"Newton." My breath came out in a dull whoosh as his buddies stared jabbing at me with insults.

"Is there a problem?" I squeaked, mentally slapping myself. The footballers seemed taken aback, but soon recovered.

"Nah, I don't have a problem with dumping you in the trash can." I tried to laugh quietly, but it came out like a whine as he bared his teeth at me. As he reached toward me, I yelped, jumping up and running toward my lunch table.

I looked down as I took my seat, after making sure that Tyler was next to me. Connor coughed, trying to hide his laughter and I looked up to glare at him.

"Shut up." Jessica rolled her eyes and turned back to Lauren, shooting glances at me every so often. "Today sucks." I muttered as I leaned back. Tyler shrugged.

"Hey man, cheer up. There's still gym." At this I perked up a bit.

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Always am." Tyler smiled, grabbing his water bottle from Eric. We all gave Tyler a 'are you stupid?' look. "Well……sometimes." Ben and Angela laughed as Tyler began to choke on his water.

"There bones in that water…….that we didn't about?" Tyler glared at me and coughed again.

"Think you're funny huh?"

"Yes I do actu-HEY!" I jumped up, and Tyler dropped his now half empty water bottle as he doubled over in laughter.

"Couldn't make it to the bathroom huh pal?"

"You dingbatt!"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"10-0!" Coach Clapp yelled across the gym. Jessica shrieked as the tennis ball came toward. I dove attempting to be her knight in shining armor that couldn't stand her.

The ball sailed back over the net as I stood up, Jessica's hands still covering her head.

"Oh my god…oh my god…" She started to repeat over and over. Connor sent to ball back over toward me as I smacked it, taking out some of my pent up anger. Lauren ducked and Connor ran over, just in time to prevent the ball from hitting her. Connor shot me a 'What are you trying to do?' look. I shrugged.

0o0o0o0o

Cullen stood on the one side of the net, barely tapping the yellow ball back to his sister as she returned the favor. Bella stood posed and ready, but terrified. Cullen reached out, smacking the ball away from her.

My shoulders slumped as I remember being the one who used to 'protect' her before she even met him.

_Why Cullen? What's he ever done for her? He left, broke her heart. _I _was the one who kept her company during that time. _I_ was the one who didn't push her away. _I _was there for her! _He_ wasn't! And then he comes back like nothing happened! Like he owns the place!_

I swear I saw him glare at me with dark eyes, and I just glared back. Bella gasped as she attempted the hit the ball. It soared up and over, but barely. Cullen smiled smugly at both me and her.

_We'll see who's smiling when he has a tennis racket shoved up his-_

"Mike! Look out!"

_Wha-_

THUD.

-------

**The word 'dingbatt' is an insult. A very funny insult I might add. (You must ask to use this word! Or else… :))**

**If you didn't know, Mike called Tyler a dingbatt because he poured water on his jeans, making it look like he wet himself.**

**And there you have it. Mike got hit in the...lower...abdomen... with a tennis ball because he was too busy coming up with schemes to injure/hurt our dear Edward.**

**Edward: Does it bother you that I don't feel comfortable with you talking about me?**

……**..No, not really.**

**Oh, FYI, my cousin thinks you're hot.**

**Bella: Everyone thinks that.**

**Edward: Well, I'm sorry Kate's cousin, but Bella's the only one for me.**

**-mutters- He thinks.**

**Edward: What was that?**

**Nutin'!**

**Alice: Hmm…**

**What?!**

**Mr. Hickory Gump Forest Gump: My Mama always said, life's like a box of ch-**

**I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR MAMA SAID! **

**Mr. Hickory Gump Forest Gump: (continuing from where he left off)-oco-late, ya neva' kno' what cha gonna git!**

**Oh yeah? Well I know that you're about to get a knuckle sandwich in about two seconds!**

**Mr. Hickory Gump Forest Gump: Well-**

**-insert sounds of a fight here-**

**Edward: O****O**

**Bella:O**

**Alice: o.O **

**(Kate's cousin)Chels: XD**

**Bella: Should we call someone?**

**Chels: Nah! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!**

**Edward: ……..Right.**

**Alice: Maybe we should just stop here and let people review now?**

**Bella & Edward: Yeah, probably.**

**Chels: NEVA'! (Meaning: "I' not gonna stop talking, BUT! You can read and review!")**

**-fight continues-**

**-Edward, Alice, and Bella quietly leave the room, leaving Chels-**

**Chels: FIGHT FIGH- EDWARD WHERE'ED YOU GO?!**

_**((Now ignoring this very stupid Author's Note here, I'd like to tell you what this story's really about. Simple enough really. We're taking some of Twilight's most un-liked characters and making fun of them.**_

_**So…we're going to make fun of……..Mike, Jessica, Lauren, and any other Twilight characters you don't like. Except for Jake. He's cool. :) **_

_**So if you have any Twilight characters you don't like, tell me, and they'll be made fun of.**_

_**Toodles! **_

_**-Kate and her cousin Chelsea.))**_


	2. Crowley Cretin

**There's a poll on our profile, and if you check that out and vote you'll be the most awesomest person ever. :D**

**So glad you****guys liked the first chapter, your reviews made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :)**

**The chapters with kids from Forks High School all take place during the same day, so most of the scenes MIGHT be similar.**

**I'll also make up some of my own characters. :)**

**Now Chels and Drew ain't here to help me write this chapter, so I don't know how good it'll be, considering the fact that I personally don't know too much about…..**

_**Tyler Crowley.**_

**Crowley Cretin**

(Tyler's PoV)

_Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. _I thrashed around in my sheets, trying to get my hand loose so I could smack the living daylights out of my alarm clock.

Unfortunately, my hand decided not to hit my alarm clock, but the corner of my bedside table.

"OW!" I yelled, clutching my now sore hand with my now freed one.

"Tyler! Get up!" A persistent banging sounded from my bedroom door as my mother pounded on it with all her might. "You'll be late! And turn off that infernal contraption that was supposed to wake you _an hour ago_!"

_An hour?_

In slight bewilderment, I turned to my side, gazing down at the beeping time bomb. The seemingly blinding light red LED lights read the current time. 7:35.

_School starts in ten minutes._

I cursed under my breath, jumping out of bed. My foot, still caught in the sheets, was yanked out from under me. Startled, I reached out, trying to catch my fall.

Of course, the only thing I was able to grab in time was my still whining clock.

I feel the floor with a _thud _and a groan, only to have another thud sound when my alarm clock collided with the back of my skull.

"_OW_!"

"TYLER!"

"I'M COMING MOM!" I hollered back at her, hurriedly grabbing whatever clothes I could find and shoved them on. I darted out of the room past my mother, nearly flying down the stairs to the front door.

"Well aren't you going to eat something?" She screamed at me, making her way down the stairs as I yanked on my jacket and fumbled around from my keys to the van.

"I'll, uh, get something on the way."

"Now Ty-" I didn't hear what else she had to say, and slammed the door behind me, running to my van through the rain.

As I was pulling into the school parking lot, I saw a slouched over figure walking toward building four. I squinted at it, but didn't have any time to figure out who it was, seeing as the bell rang as soon as I set foot out of my dying van.

My stomach growled in protest at me as I sprinted toward the building opposite Government, just in time to see that weird 'Mama said life's like a box of choco-late, you neva' kno' what cha gonna git.' country boy shuffle by with a smug smile on his face.

"Newton been gittin' yelled at by them teacher there." I nodded at him, pulling open the door to Spanish.

"Así que la clase, y vamos con retraso por qué Sr Crowley?" Señorita Sánchez gave me a quizzical look, tossing her black hair over her shoulder as she eyed me from her perch onto of her desk.

"Uh..." was my only response as I slid into a seat next to Ben. "Over slept." At this Sánchez just shrugged as if it was nothing.

"Ah sí, it is said that teenagers require more sleep than the average adult." She smiled at the rest of the class as I shook my head, attempting to rid my hair of rain water. "Just be careful, por favor, we don't want it happening todo el tiempo."

"Um, what?" I blinked, trying to translate her Spanish using my D- average. She rose a perfectly arched eyebrow at me.

"Perdón?"

"Wha-"

"She's saying 'please don't oversleep all the time'." Ben whispered at me, trying to act casual as the whole classroom turned to watch us.

"Nevermind." I mumbled, folding my arms and leaning back in my seat, propping it up on its two back legs. After awhile, Sánchez started her lesson, adding it random Spanish words at the strangest times.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Ben muttering up from his notes, glancing at me from behind his glasses.

"Wouldn't do wh-" I didn't have time to finish, seeing as someone hooked their foot around one of the only supporting chair legs and pulled it backward, toppling my chair over.

"WOAH!" I shouted, finding the floor coming at me the second time in an hour.

Picking myself up off the floor to a chorus of laughter, I tried to avoid looking at the rest of the class.

"Need some help?" A girl asked, out stretching her hand to me.

"Thanks." I said, reaching for it. I guess I pulled a bit to hard of her hand though, seeing as she came crashing down on me not a moment later. She shrieked as she fell onto me, causing the rest of the class the jump. At the sound of Olivia's yelp, Sánchez turned, dropping her chalk.

Olivia and I had landed in a rather….incomprehensible position. Sánchez herself shrieked, grabbing another piece of chalk and chucking it at my head….hard.

"SR CROWLEY! I WILL _NOT_ HAVE THESE…These…" She drew a breath, her face getting red. "These acts of _adultery_ in my class!"

At this, Olivia and I gaped at each other, and then back at the teacher. Olivia's face flushed as she shoved herself away from me. I laid on the floor for a short while, the look on pure shock still stuck on my face.

"SR CROWLEY!"

As her voice rose an octave, I shot up, getting back in my chair. "Yes?" I mumbled quietly.

"DETENTION!" I jumped back up again, still shocked.

"What?!" She huffed, slamming her hand down on the desk.

"You heard me! Detention!"

"But-"

"No. Buts." She hissed through gritted teeth. Grumbling, I sat back down next to Ben. As soon as I sat, Ben opened his mouth to speak.

"Don't you even start with the whole 'I told you so' lecture." I folded my arms over my stomach, glancing at a still shell-shocked Olivia.

"You _do_ realize you just sat on gum right?"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Lunch sucked. Seriously. Jessica and Lauren spent there time gossiping, Ben and Angela were busy talking about Cuticles…or whatever math that class was, and Eric and Connor were busy having a staring match. The seat next to me remained empty as I stared off into space.

The noise in the cafeteria stopped abruptly, and every one turned to the girl giggling.

I almost burst out in hysterics when I saw Mike sitting over at the prep table. The quarterback of the football team loomed over him as the cheerleader across him giggled.

"Newton." Mike seemed to be having a seizure as the quarterback's buddies stared jabbing at him with insults.

"Is there a problem?" Mike squeaked up at the six foot five senior. The footballers seemed taken aback, but soon recovered.

"Nah, I don't have a problem with dumping you in the trash can." Mike attempted to laugh quietly, but it ended up sounding like a whine as the footballer bared his teeth at him. The QB reached toward him and Mike yelped, jumping up and running toward our lunch table.

His gaze was downcast as he took the empty seat behind me. He seemed unsure at first, glancing at me quickly before he sat down. Connor tried to hide his laughter in a cough, earning a glare from Mike.

"Shut up." Jessica rolled her eyes and turned back to Lauren, shooting glances at him every so often. "Today sucks." He muttered as he leaned back. I just shrugged.

"Hey man, cheer up. There's still gym." At this he seemed to visible cheer up.

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Always am." I smiled, grabbing back the water bottle Eric had stolen from me. They all gave me a 'are you stupid?' look. "Well……sometimes." Ben and Angela laughed at that comment, and trying not to laugh either, I began to choke on my water.

"There bones in that water…….that we didn't about?" Mike snickered at me as I glared at up at him and coughed again.

"Think you're funny huh?"

"Yes I do actu-HEY!" Mike jumped up, and I dropped his now half empty water bottle as he doubled over in laughter.

"Couldn't make it to the bathroom huh pal?" I said jokingly as he tried to cover the now wet spot on his jeans.

"You dingbatt!"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"10-0!" Coach Clapp yelled across the gym as Jessica shrieked, covering her head with her hands as the tennis ball came soaring toward her.

The ball sailed back over the net as Mike stood up, giving Jessica an odd look.

"Oh my god…oh my god…" She started to repeat over and over from the court next to Olivia and I. She stayed a good few yards away from me, trying to avoid another…mishap. Ben and Angela stood across from us, waiting for our ball to be returned. Bored, I looked around the gym, my gaze coming to rest at the Cullen's court.

Edward stood on the one side of the net, barely tapping the yellow ball back to his sister as she returned the favor. Bella stood posed and ready, but terrified. Cullen reached out, smacking the ball away from her.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Mike's shoulders slump. His glare met Edward's for a minute, and it looked as if they were about to attack one another. Bella her racket without her boyfriend looking and sent the ball barely over the net.

"Go Bella," I muttered, Ben finally getting back the ball Olivia had sent flying across the gym. We turned back to the game, and were playing for a bit before we heard Connor yell to Mike.

"Mike! Look out!"

Our whole court turned into to see Mike fall to his knees in pain, his hands held between his legs.

_Ouch. _

And it hurt even more when Olivia 'accidentally' threw her racket at my stomach.

-------

**Alright, maybe this wasn't as good as the first, but I'm working on the next chapters now….hope you enjoy them.**

**Oh, and any ideas to embarrass them are greatly appreciated as well. :)**

**But hey, review if you liked it!**

**-Kate**


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